My life in words

ho says she there's my cap

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Spanglish: a recap
Paz Vega plays a super duper gorgeous Mexican single mother named Flor Moreno who's all curves and softness and sexiness and femininity and immigrates to California with her daughter Cristina. Flor clings really hard to her Mexican roots, and wants Cristina to do the same. So much so that Flor just refuses outright to learn English.

Meanwhile, Adam Sandler plays a talented chef who has the misfortune to be married to bitch-shrew-harridan Deborah (henceforth dubbed BSH). Look at BSH! Note her lack of redeeming qualities, audience! And she's ugly too, audience, did you see that too? And she has the chutzpah to care about her own orgasm during sex! What a bitch amirite? And haha, she needs to work so hard to be fit, but she still fails to be anywhere close to as hot as Flor! Repeat after me, audience, BSH does not deserve anything but the most vitriolic of haterade! Got it? Good.

And BSH hires Flor to be her housekeeper. BSH is a shitty mom to her own kids, but she's nice to Cristina, who has made friends with her daughter that she's not so nice to. This is not a pet the dog moment. Remember, audience, BSH. No sympathy, no redeeming qualities. BSH introduces Cristina to the head of a prestigious private school, and Cristina makes a good impression, and that school is prepared to give her a full ride.

But hey, education is evil because you'll assimilate and won't be a maid just like your mother, so Flor is absolutely right to object to Cristina's attending this school. Cristina shouldn't have an education, she should be stuck in the working class just like mother! Also, she shouldn't be friends with white people at all or something. It's traitorous to her cultural heritage, of course. Adam Sandler is sympathetic and Flor bites the bullet and learns English for his sake. And they engage in chaste sexual tension-building by trashing the private school that Cristina has just been enrolled in because it has a challenging geometry class that Adam Sandler's and BSH's daughter is taking, and academic rigor is evil.

Then Cristina has a sleepover after school at BSH's house with BSH's daughter, rather than spend time with the extended family of the Morenos. And this makes Flor unhinged righteously indignant and is the catalyst to pulling Cristina out of the really prestigious school that was prepared to give her a FULL RIDE. Flor has an affectionate parting with everybody except BSH, who actually wanted to extend an olive branch to Flor, but remember audience, BSH is a bitch and a shrew and a harridan and deserves no warmth whatsoever.

Cristina is rightfully angry about Flor's pulling her out of the private school that was prepared to give her a full goddam ride, but that lasts for about five minutes, until Flor says, "What do you want in life? Do you want to become different from me?" "If not being willing to piss away an educational opportunity in the name of ~staying true to my culture~ amounts to being different from you, then yes, I do want to become different from you," Cristina does NOT reply. Nope, instead, mother and daughter kiss and make up and no mention is made that Flor just threw her daughter's education under the bus because of her stupid cultural hubris.

This entire trainwreck of a plot is an all grown up Cristina's application essay to Princeton, and she concludes with, "So admissions with a scholarship is all well and good, but it won't define me. I'm my mother's daughter first and foremost."

I'm incoherent with rage at this movie. It is the most misogynist and racist drivel I've ever had the misfortune to have to show in the Spanish class I'm subbing in. wasn't in Spanish, it was in English. We could have watched Real Women Have Curves. America Ferrara is a Spanish-speaking immigrant who's fierce and asserts herself. My parents ARE immigrants who care deeply about not losing touch with the motherland. You know how they WOULDN'T express their loyalty to their roots? Pulling me out of a prestigious school that's ready to give me a full goddam ride. Seriously, what the FUCK kind of message was that? I'm supposed to sympathize with that idiot and hate on the woman who made it possible for Cristina to get a good educational opportunity?

I NEVER take the side of the rich white lady. Ever. And here I just did. That is some spectacular failure.


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